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Preamble.
Gentlemen, we are living in a seismic shift in public perception as to the true nature of women. The case of Lindsey Clancy has demonstrated the true nature of women in such a way that men can no longer ignore what they are seeing.
What do I mean by that?
We are seeing a situation where a mother has, with premeditation and intention, murdered her three children in cold blood. Lindsey Clancy strangled her eight month old little baby boy.
We are seeing tens of millions of women support her online.
We are seeing women donate more than a million dollars to her.
Not even the most blue pilled of men can ignore this.
What has this got to do with data warehousing, you may well ask.
A business will be affected by the larger social environment, and if that larger social environment contains a contagion which includes women supporting the murdering of little children, that will flow on and affect businesses.
In the Western world today, we are in the position where a woman can, with premeditation, in cold blood, murder her three children and tens of millions of other women will support that murder, say that she did nothing wrong, and say she should be released.
What does that have to do with me and data warehousing?
Why should you even bother reading the rest of this dissertation?
I am glad you asked me those questions.
Since 1970, when I was six years old, I took the position that girls who break the rules at school should get the same punishment as the boys who break the rules.
For this, as a six year old boy, I was called a male chauvinist pig, which was the common term in those days in 1970.
I was also called a misogynist for taking the position that women who commit crimes should get the same punishment as men who commit the same crimes.
What is the result when you don’t punish women criminals the same way you punish men criminals?
The result is you get tens of millions of women championing and supporting a woman who, with premeditation and cold blood, murdered her three innocent little children, one being an 8 month old baby.
Today, in this dissertation, in the public, in my own name, please allow me to be very clear.
I sincerely hate the women who are championing and supporting Lindsay Clancy and saying she did nothing wrong.
We’re all Lindsay.
We’ve all felt like murdering our innocent little children.
I hate those women.
They certainly shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
Any woman who supports Lindsay Clancy is mentally ill.
Dear Sir.
If you would like to call me a misogynist and accuse me of hating some women?
I am guilty as charged.
Now.
Please allow me to go back to the purpose of this dissertation.
In 1982 I went into programming and I felt it was going to be a respected profession one day.
When women were forced into the profession via affirmative action, it was soon obvious that programming would never become a respected profession.
I then went into the data warehousing area in 1991 completely by accident.
Because data warehousing was so much about generating new profit, I felt that it had a very good chance of becoming a respected profession.
Sadly, data warehousing has also failed to become a respected profession.
Why has data warehousing failed to become a respected profession?
Because of the lack of honesty, and lack of valuing honesty, in our profession.
Please allow me to give you an example of just how crazy it is with large companies and wasting money on data warehousing projects.
In the middle of 2011, I got an e-mail from a pal of mine about Vodafone Ghana.
Vodafone Ghana had been running a data warehousing project for a year.
They were going to cancel it and write a new tender and send the new tender to 4 respondents.
What they were looking for was someone who would help them write their new tender.
I went through the hiring process.
I was successful and won the contract.
The proposed new vendors to receive the tender were Teradata, Oracle, I B M and then maybe one other.
I relocated to Accra in Ghana.
During my first week there the CIO came to me.
He gave me a copy of the tender and asked me.
Would you please review this tender and tell me if there were any red flags in this that we should have noticed.
I took the document off him and I started flicking through it, and he asked me what I was looking for.
I told him I was looking for the project plan.
I found the page in the tender with the project plan in it.
It had eight weeks for E T L development in this project plan.
I turned it around to the C I O and pointed at it so he could see it.
The summary of the conversation was this.
I told him that he could see Huawei allowed eight weeks for E T L development. Vodafone had four billing systems. I told the C I O that the fastest any vendor could build the E T L for four billing systems is eight months, not eight weeks.
I told him that I am the fastest man in the world at building E T L systems, and even I would take six months minimum to do this work, maybe even 7 months.
He asked me how I knew that. I explained I had been doing this work for twenty years and that’s how I know how long it takes to build E T L systems for telcos.
I said to him that if he had sent me this tender and asked me to review it, I would have done exactly what I did just now in 30 seconds, and I would have told him not to buy anything from this vendor. This is because the vendor did not know what they are doing.
I said it’s also because I am concerned about the perception of my profession. I said that all these failed projects also reflect poorly on me even though I have nothing to do with all these failed projects.
I said that today data warehousing has a poor perception because companies even as big as Vodafone keep buying projects from vendors, where the vendor obviously don’t know what it is that they are doing.
The C I O closed out the conversation by saying that I had a very good point.
So that’s the story of Vodafone Ghana.
At the end of the day, Vodafone got Huawei to build their data warehouse because it was a cheap offer.
The guys doing the actual development work didn’t even speak English.
Just as a side note.
If Vodafone Ghana had come to me and asked me to build their telco data warehouse for them?
The amount of money it would have cost them to get the data warehouse built and delivered into production was one third of the tender amount that Huawei offered them.
So.
What is my proposal in this dissertation today?
I am an honest man of honour and integrity.
At the time of recording I am 62 years old.
I am a man of impeccable character and I have proven that over a lifetime.
What I propose is some honesty in I T.
A shocking concept I know.
I think I T will be a little better off if we have a little more honesty.
Today, as far as public figures go, I am probably the second most experienced data warehousing guy in the world after Bill Inmon.
I think I could actually make the joke now that if Bill Inmon is the father of data warehousing, perhaps I am the son of data warehousing.
Most of the men who were around during the 90s, zeros and teens have retired or passed on.
Ralph Kimball has now retired.
Sean Kelly, may he rest in peace, has passed away.
The world’s number one data modeler has retired.
Now you have Bill Inmon and myself left.
No one takes any notice of me because women have called me a misogynist.
Now that I publicly admit, in my own name, I am a misogynist because I hate women who murder little babies?
Maybe men will listen to me, and maybe we will have more successful data warehousing projects.
Of all the men around in the early days?
I am the only one left in this area that is dedicated to dimensional modelling and is an honest man of honour and integrity.
So let us get to proposal number one.
Proposal Number One.
I propose that for companies who are buying data warehousing solutions you can contact me and ask me to please review what it is that you are buying.
I will give you an unbiased detailed response of the weaknesses of your data warehouse proposal.
My proposal to companies who are considering buying a data warehouse project is please ask me to review the tenders or tender that you are considering buying, and I will give you my world class advice and guidance on whether it is a good idea to buy the tender.
I am prepared to do that for 50 dollars an hour at the moment.
And I was earning 150 dollars an hour 25 years ago.
Proposal Number Two.
If you have a data warehouse implemented and you are getting support from some vendor for that data warehouse, or even if you’re doing support for that data warehouse internally?
I propose it would be a very good idea to ask me to go through a review of all the things that you are doing and tell you where you could be improving what it is that you are doing.
Companies spend small fortunes just upgrading and extending their data warehouses when they don’t need to.
But they don’t ask me to come and review it and so they don’t know that it can be done more cheaply.
If you have implemented your data warehouse in raw S Q L and stored procedures you will want to check out my free see T L software.
Proposal Number Three.
This offer is to Vendors who are selling into large companies.
If you are a vendor selling into a large company, I am one of the best people in the world at writing data warehousing tenders. Very few people can write a data warehousing tender like I can.
If you are a vendor and you are spending money writing tenders and submitting tenders to large companies for data warehouses?
Then you could ask me to please review your tenders and tell you where you could improve your tender.
Indeed, you could even ask me to help you write the tender in the first place.
I would be quite happy to enter into agreements to either write tenders exclusively, or non exclusively, for a particular deal.
If you have a data warehousing deal that is worth two or three million dollars and you are going to bid on it as a vendor?
Then you are welcome to contact me and ask me to please help you write and sell your tender to your prospect.
Nobody else with my level of knowledge and skills is going to offer you fifty dollars per hour to help you write a tender worth multi millions of dollars.
If you want somebody to design your data warehousing solution to put into your tender?
Then I would also be quite happy to be asked to do that for you.
Proposal Number Four.
The biggest problem in the whole data warehousing space is charlatans selling projects to companies who, for some reason, are so gullible, like Vodafone, that they buy the vendors snake oil.
In my opinion that is the biggest problem in our industry segment.
It’s not which data model should we use.
It is not which E T L software should we use.
It is not which query tool should we use.
It is the dishonesty in the entire process of selling and implementing the data warehouse project in the first place.
That is the biggest issue.
If neither the customer nor the vendor want to engage me in the pre sales process, that’s fine, That’s their choice.
The next offer is, once the deal is signed, either party, but most likely the customer, can hire me to oversee the implementation of the data warehouse project.
If you are a large company like a telco, a retailer, a bank or something like that?
If you have bought a data warehousing project from a vendor?
If you would like to ask me to please oversee the project?
Then I would be quite happy to do that.
On the vendor side.
One of the issues with data warehousing projects is that there may be issues on the customer side.
On the vendor side you are welcome to hire me as an independent third party with a global reputation and impeccable character.
Your proposal to the customer would be that you want me involved in the project just enough to make sure that both parties are doing what needs to be done and that no party is disrupting this project.
Proposal Number Five.
The next proposal is this.
There is distrust between vendors and large customers for very good reasons.
That distrust exists in both directions, though more substantially, to the vendor from the customer.
Because there is a level of distrust going in both directions, it would be very useful for both parties to have an independent mediator for issues.
When I say independent mediator, I mean a step more than the prior offer.
I mean in this case there can be damages awarded one way or the other.
I propose that I could act as an independent arbiter, to whom one party or the other can bring a formal complaint for a contract violation.
In effect, this proposal is me acting as an arbiter, not just as an advisor.
Therefore, in this proposal, if both parties are signed up to this contract, then I can be an independent arbiter for disputes raised by either party.
The resolution of the dispute can also contain a penalty for non compliance or non performance.
I would be happy to propose that service as well.
Proposal Number Six.
The vast amount of distrust in the data warehousing business is from customer to vendor.
The customers are looking at the tenders, they are looking at the vendors, and they are thinking.
I don’t trust these guys.
When three of those vendors are I B M, Oracle and Teradata, a lot of the time not trusting those three vendors is not entirely unfounded.
If one of those vendors is one of the big consulting companies, not trusting them is not unfounded either.
This is because all those companies have done projects that were a disaster.
This proposal is to vendors who want to sell data warehousing services.
You can hire me on retainer to certify your people at certain tasks.
You can retain me to ensure that the people you put on your projects have the ability to do the project.
You can retain me to make sure that the projects your company performs are successful.
I am not going to say this vendor can do everything under the sun in the data warehousing area.
I am going to say this vendor is certified by my company to perform a certain suite of tasks.
And you, mister customer, can rest assured that your project results will be guaranteed.
From the customers point of view, this proposal is that you can buy your data warehousing project and support from a vendor certified by me.
In this case you are guaranteed that you will get the results that are documented in your tender.
I will stake my name and reputation the results of the tender will be achieved.
From the vendor’s point of view, you can hire me on retainer to train your people.
When you issue a tender, you can say, this tender response is certified by Peter Andrew Nolan.
Customers buying tenders from Vendors will then have a choice.
This proposal is that I am willing to enter into contracts with data warehousing vendors where I will certify their staff to perform portions of work, meaning I will train their people.
I will have people who are experts in all the individual tools who will be able to train and certify vendors staff.
Proposal Number Seven.
Of course, multi-million dollar data warehousing projects are complex and there are often disputes and difficulties.
If a company and a vendor have come to loggerheads, and there’s finger pointing in both directions, and the project has blown up into a disaster?
Then either party can independently come to me and ask me to arbitrate the matter.
This is a more serious situation than the prior proposal where things have just gone a little bit astray.
In the prior proposal I am talking about there have been some minor disputes and there might be penalties in the range of ten or twenty thousand dollars going back and forth.
This proposal is for multi million dollar data warehousing projects that have gone completely astray.
This is for projects where litigation is fair and just.
In the normal course of events such litigation has to go through the courts.
This is very expensive for both parties.
I am proposing that I will perform such litigation for very reasonable fees.
The final result of the litigation will be fair, just and reasonable.
This proposal is that before the project begins both parties sign a binding arbitration contract where I am the sole arbiter.
Both parties will need to sign that they are obliged to settle any dispute as I arbitrate.
In this way both parties will know that if they don’t do what they need to do in the project and the project fails, then there is a contract in place whereby penalties can be awarded because of non performance and non compliance.
Senior management from both parties will understand that if their people mess up?
There could be a financial penalty awarded against them by somebody who is absolutely unbiased and neutral.
Because of this the senior management from both parties have an incentive to tell their employees to do their job properly. There is no incentive for senior management of either party to be lax and to allow their employees to perform bad work.
I think this service alone would vastly reduce the number of failed data warehousing projects.
Dissertation Summary.
In this dissertation, the first thing I did was establish that there is a broader cultural environment in the Western world today, where even killing babies is up for dispute about who is at fault or what is wrong and what is right.
That broader cultural environment, which has introduced lying into the business world as something completely acceptable, has meant data warehousing projects have failed very frequently.
My proposal is that introducing some honesty into data warehousing sales and projects might just be the remedy needed to reduce the number of failed projects.
I am an honest man of honour and integrity.
I am a man of impeccable character proven over a lifetime.
I am the number one public figure in building dimensional data warehouses.
I am one of the top public figures in the world in terms of getting return on investment from a data warehouse implementation.
At this point in time, it makes a great deal of sense to offer my services to increase the number of projects that are successful in the data warehousing world.
The only reason you might not want to hire me is because women call me a misogynist.
My response to that now is that I am quite happy to say in public I hate any woman who thinks it’s a good idea to kill three little children.
If the women in your company don’t want you to work with me because I am against women murdering little children and babies?
Then that is perfectly ok by me.
I will go and work for the companies where the women in that company have the universal opinion that murdering children is a crime no matter who does it.
For those companies who are willing to hire a man who publicly takes the position that killing little children is not ok?
Then I am available for fifty dollars per hour at the time of writing.
If people in the data warehousing space would like to discuss this dissertation?
Then you are welcome to discuss these proposals with me in public on Substack.
And with that?
I will say thank you very much for listening.
I really appreciate your time and attention.
Bye for now.
Best Regards.
Peter Andrew Nolan.
